Going to LJMU and being in UK is already stressful enough considering the fact that I have to deal with so many assignments in just 3 months.

Dad is making it worst for me. Sometimes, i guess it is so stressful that i feel the need to please and live up to my dad's standards, even when i feel that i've given my best. And what he says always makes me doubt whether I'm good enough.

I was talking to dad about how some of my friends are reconsidering the decision to further their studies and like how one of my friend has found an alternative course which he plans to do. I was just saying these stuff because i thought of sharing some conversational topics with him and not to tell him that i'm also having the same thoughts. He then continued with his lecture and then added a few lines that hurt me so bad.

He told me that from the way he is seeing things, he feel that my new bunch of advanced diploma friends are influencing me. He feels that i'm making a decision because i want to stick with the big group. Even when i made my decision to stay in TARC to continue my advanced diploma, he feels so, I guess.

The thing is, I'm so tired of people not believing in me. I hate to be a follower but no one understands. All of my decisions are 90% based on what I really want for myself. If i have to take a different step from the rest, i will. I did after Form 5 when i left all my best friends for TARC...all of them went to Form 6 except me.

Honestly, I've never budged from my decision to continue my studies in the UK even though i find it really stressful for me. And honestly, i was just telling my dad how stressful i am because i need to confide in someone at that moment and i guess, it shouldn't have been him. Never ever should be i guess. SO many times have i opened up and ended up feeling worst. WHat's the point anymore? They say talk to your parents. I guess...sometimes, it's not that simple and then all you have got is your friends. And they don't like your friends.

My advanced diploma results have deteriorated yes. I'm not finding an excuse but i honestly feel that it's the new grading system. If the results were to be graded according to the old system, i've gotten straight As because all the B+ i got used to be As. I guess now i know that my previous As were not high As. I feel that maybe that's my standard but dad seems to think it's my new bunch of friends. Again I don't know what to say. Am I really at fault here?

Now i feel like i have to really to push and strain myself in order to prove that it's not my friends' fault. Of course I aim high for my degree but I also don't want to have my expectations too high. But now, I guess, nothing but a first class is good enough for him.

I love my friends. I think my classmates are the coolest people on Earth. They are playful but not bad people. It is true that many times they lack time management lar, but hanging out with them is the best time of my life. And my parents don't know that i guess. I just feel that they need to cut me some slack. I just wanna be YOUNG and have some fun. But in some ways, I feel so tied up.

My dad don't tell me directly that he doesn't like me hanging so much with these friends, not until today, but that means taking away the happy moments in my life. Plus, it's not like i joined them for all activities, just selected ones and he is already having issues. During exams, I don't even hang out.

Today I came back from a gathering with my friends. Considering the fact that i'm already 22 and that i do have a bunch of quite playful friends, I came home a bit late, around 11.30pm. I know that my parents are worried, and i always try my best to go home early, but sometimes, we just 'love' each other so much that we wanna hang out longer. So eventually I still am a bit late.

Mum says that dad is conservative, and therefore there are a lot of things that he doesn't accept. I always thought that dad is somewhat reasonable, maybe he is in certain things, but he never fully understands me. That's why i feel no matter how i try to open up, he won't understand what i mean and maybe I don't get his ways. Maybe he has gone through what it's like being my age, but we are different individuals with different wants in life. So, i guess, maybe my sis could be right, just don't tell dad everything. Cuz why wanna hurt yourself, right?

I guess on the outside, most people see me as confident and happy-go-lucky. I am usually cheerful and seems like problem-free. It's like they think that I won't feel hurt in any way. My family all thinks i'm naive and stupid but whatever I do, I do for a reason and a personal judgment which they won't understand. My judgment could be stupid to them, but if i feel that it is something that i can live with and take consequences for, i think i've made the right choice. Call me naive or whatever but this is me. Idealistic but rational at times. The good thing is, like i said, i get over things quite easily so i'll probably be better tomoro.

Whatever said, I know that I hold no grudges towards them because i know that at the end, they are always there. But i guess,

Whatever it is....today ended badly with people doubting me. Hopefully tomoro, I'll be happier....



Tammy c