♥ BABYT'S WORLD OF CRAP ♥

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

So it's 5.45am in the morning and one wonders what i'm doin on9 so early in the morn...and yes, i din just woke up...i am stil awake!

Well let's see....i think i din blog ant this but i went for a class trip last week...yup to Penang and yeah i did hv a good time with my buddies...i've never been to any class trips with my college friends be4 and i guess i dont regret going becuz class trips are great ways to discover ur friends and bring friendship to a whole new level haha...

i mean, i know my best friends very very well and of course i've lived with them be4 by staying over at their place and stuff....but this class trip actually gave me a chance to get to know my classmates whom i am not tat close to, and see them as they really are. so it is really quite interesting to see who these ppl really are when they are not in class...haha...

Well i also did something crazy in Penang which leads to why i am not at peace tonite...i went and got my ears pierce...now i have no idea why but usually ppl dont get into trouble when they do all these crazy stuff but i on the other hand, got into this puddle of S***...i somehow now got a ear infection, which i hv no idea what i hv to do to cure it. I am worried tat the earring is embedded in my ear now becuz the hole in my ear is closing up. To tell u the truth, even though i might look composed, my thoughts kept on swirling on what is the worst tat could happen to me. I know they wont have to cut the whole ear off..maybe a part of it...yeah and maybe tat's not that bad...yea rite! Who am i kidding? Of course i've got lectures from mum, yup, of course i know she's worried and she keeps on nagging abt why i went and pierce my ears in Penang when i can do it here....well the last thing i need is of course a reminder of how stupid i am. I mean, i know mum cares but sometimes, she does it the wrong way for me haha. Plus how would i know that a simple piercing would lead to such big trouble. And i should be partially blamed for it becuz i went and ate a few prawns a.k.a seafood after the piercing...i was warned beforehand of the consequences. Okay, i messed up becuz i forgot and to tell the truth, wouldnt care less. Come on, for an eater like me, it's difficult to control food intake. Gosh! Do i regret it...well i try not to regret the things that i've done, but if i could turn back time...i would not hv pierced my lovely ears who can stand alone without earrings, and i would not have eaten tat "chu-cheong-fun" with prawns.

Back to the trip, let me elaborate more on Penang. Well if you are a Malaysian, you'll know Penang ya. I mean, it's an island famous for its food and beaches. DUH! and so it is only making sense tat i ate a lot in Penang. I can't believe still tat i ate Char Keuy Teow, Laksa, Or Jian and Muar CHi all in one nite. And then, i still manage a Maggi sup in the mamak stall at 3am. God is so gonna punish me in my belly. But to be fair, ppl would call u an idiot if u actually go to penang and not eat ur heart out. It's the food paradise for God sake! And food are actually quite cheap there. And also you have to go to the beach. Now many might be laughin but i am actually allergic to the salty lakes or waters so yup i'm allergic to sea waters. I cant swim in the sea....but thank GOd i can stil walk by the beach. BUt my most fave pasttime when i'm at the sea is just relaxing by the beach to some good music. (or sometimes, when i'm out of my mind, some books) I was so hoping that there would be a lot of hunky Eurasian hot dudes by the beach but boy was i disappointed....

well, u see, my frenz knew tat i'm into Eurasian guys (actually, to make things clear, i'm into any hot guy ok...) and would always make fun of me whenever they see a good-looking chap...sometimes i play along la, but sometimes when they get too obvious it so embarrassing for me...i'm not like that crazily obsessed with them, though for the sake of entertaining my friends i will be like extremely dramatic abt it...but then again i do enjoy checking out hot guys, duh, me still a girl. So when we stepped into the lobby of the apartment tat we're residing in for 2 days, there's this pretty cute little boy and my friends start shoving me, signalling me n stuff....VERY MALU-FYING...but then inside my heart...i tot: "wah, this one is not bad...but i'm sure got a lot more installed on the beach ;) hehehe.." I've never been so wrong in my life. THere were more dogs on the beach than there were hot guys. So my advice is .....if you want to check out hot guys, go to Langkawi and never Penang. My sis went to Langkawi for her class trip and it was 100% satisfaction. You should see how she bragged abt it. Sigh....watever! Haha...but seriously hot guys or no hot guys, the beautiful beach scenery in Penang was definitely a compensation. the beach was lovely and i just love hanging out there. So go to Penang also la...

Music!!!! Talking abt music, i need to apologize to my friends for having to tolerate da same 20 songs tat i kept on repeating in my car cd player throughout the whole penang trip. haha. well one thing u sud know when u travel is tat drivers call the shots ;)...they were some songs they liked but there were some country music that bore the hell out of them...but the most important thing is, i enjoyed it hahah...

anywayz...some really nice songs tat i wanna introduce is "That song in my head" by Julianne Hough, "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler, "Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride n "What If She's An ANgel". Yep, all country but i guarantee u'll like them all. I love country music even though i'm not from the south and definitely not American becuz country music are all very meaningful. They are abt life and are all so brilliantly put into words, it's amazing....

"What if she's an angel" is abt helping ppl. It's abt how ppl ignores other ppl that they feel could be in need of assistance...so the singer basically reminds us to help one another becuz we dont know, the person in need could be an angel sent from heaven to test us...so meaningful.

Kellie Pickler from American Idol sang "I Wonder" and this song is abt her real life. Her mum left her when she was young n her dad was in prison. So she lived with her grandpa since young. "I wonder" is a song to her mum, asking her mum whether or not she thinks abt her and she sings abt how sad she was that her mum wasnt there to hold her hands or drown her tears; basically not there for her throughout her years of growing up. SHe wonders whether her mum would actually one day wanna meet her again...very sad and touching song which i love

"That song in my head" is just a fun love song to sing by Julianne Hough. Now if you guys dunno who Julianne is, no worries becuz not many Malaysians would know her. I discovered her on "Dancing with the stars" - a program which i highly recommend to everyone in the world, but my advice is, watch only the American version. Other versions of the show cannot even come close to the American Dancing with the stars. ANywayz i'm a huge huge fan of the show and there i discover Julianne Hough, who was one of the pro dancers. Her brother Derek Hough is my fave dancer on the show by the way. He is a fantastic chereographer, and a very cute one too hehehe...anywayz back to Julianne. Yea so i was searching for Derek HOugh on Youtube n then i found of that Julianne sings. And she's actually pretty good. So yep...if u want something fun to sing to...go listen to 'That song in my head" becuz soon it will be tat song in ur head...tat's wat it did to my friends haha. More importantly, Derek Hough also sings. Yep He's in a band called "Almost Amy" with his friend Mark Ballas (another pro dancer on the show who is also very good...i like). But i cant recommend any of their songs just yet becuz it's hard to download their tracks. and to be honest, their genre is not really my thing. I'll be listening to them soon and hopefully can find something i like. meanwhile if u like ballroom dancing, u sud really go on to Youtube n get some of their dance clips. My recommendation Derek & Jennie - Rumba, Cha Cha, Mambo, Waltz; Mark & Sabrina- Paso Doble (MY FAVE), Rumba, Cha Cha; Julianne & Apollo - Cha Cha; Julianne & Helio - Cha CHa....these are a few of my fave dances...

Lastly this song i just discover yesterday and it drowned my eyes with tears...i almost flooded my house....yea i am indeed exaggerating but this song is really really touching. i warn u to not even watch the video or u'll cry like a baby. the song is by Martina McBride entitled "Concrete Angel". If u actually think the song title is a bit weird (my first impression), then u'll be song. It's so metaphorical and clever. The song is about child abuse. GO search for the lyrics online and yea...buy a stack of tissue and then go watch the video. THe lyrics were so beautifully penned that i totally felt every word of it. Basically it reminds us again to never keep quiet if we suspect that someone we know is being abused. My fave line in the song is "A broken heart that was forgotten"....this line just makes me so sad. the reality is, it is so true tat we tend to not speak up for these ppl who might need our help. i think mainly becuz we dun wanna be keh poh ci (Busy body). But sometimes, if we don't, we might have destroyed someone's life just like tat. i guess the song gave me something to ponder on again. it is definitely a very very meaningful song and i really hope u guys enjoy it. if u want the link to the music video just go to my facebook ya...add me at <<>> . i;ve added the music video on as well as those dances....

the time nw is 6.40am....time to sneak into bed be4 mum gets up. Also, let's pray tat my ear is good and tat i dun nd a surgery to rescue it. i'm really thankful to God for all the blessings and i hope it would not be too much to ask for him to also bless my right ear. THank You so much

till the next installment...this is tammy the awesomist signing out

take care bye

(i'll talk abt movies next time ya ;))

With Lots of Love & Hugs & Kisses & Chris Richardson's scent from BabyT ;

Friday, September 26, 2008

I was bathing when suddenly i thought of this question: "Am I unkind?"
Well i am not a person who actually does a lot of charity and sometimes, i just really dislike people who ask for money...like the beggars. I mean, i just feel that some of them are just not deserving of my help. But i always wonder whether not giving them money is the right thing to do? Am i bad if i don't help them financially? My best friend has a really kind heart and she is always giving money to people who comes to our table and ask for money. Usually, they are either very old or they have incapabilities. To me, i still think that there should be a system to help this people instead of having them just begging for money. to me it's just not right because i cant tell who really need help and who are faking it. Maybe 'beggar' is just another occupation for these people. I see that some money containers contain RM50 and i'm there thinkin, these people could be richer than myself. Sometimes it's not like i dont want to help, but then i just cant stop myself thinking tat i too need cash for myself. I'm also very tight in my wallet, see...
then another part of me thinks, come on! Why are you always thinkin abt urself. Giving is also as important in life. Maybe if i don't spend so much on foodstuff (yea i love to eat ok), you'll be able to give someone their lunch. So i'm like torn everytime someone comes up to me with a cup, not a cup of drink, but a cup with the hopes that i would be kind enough to spare some extra coins or cash. Of course my dad is used to shove some of these people off, especially those who you know for sure that doesnt deserve a penny. But my dilemma comes is when i see an old folk walk up to me. To me is like, this people can walk faster than me, but then again they are old. So should i help them?

I've been listening to this song by Carrie Underwood entitled "So Small". The song asks us to give love and i am really inspired by it. I mean, all my life i've been asking for everything and i just feel that i'm not giving enough at all. I want everything and i find excuses why i need those stuff. I guess it's time for me to change my thinking. It is really hard. I've been trying my best. I mean, i am used to hogging the Internet and my siblings dont get a chance to go online. So even now if i want to like let them use the Internet, i just can't, cuz i want to use the Internet. Sometimes i guess i always put myself on top of others, and i feel that i'm sickening even to myself. Time to help me change. Tell me how i can be less self-centered...hmmm.....

Time to think...but i am still not making the Internet available for my siblings yet ;)

Tammy the not-so-awesomist one

With Lots of Love & Hugs & Kisses & Chris Richardson's scent from BabyT ;

Monday, September 22, 2008

7th September 2008
Do you know what it’s like losing someone so special and dear to you? I had no idea how it’s really going to feel like before this. Last time, all I could do is picture the grief and I never knew the reality of it. Well, on September the 3rd, I finally had the unfortunate opportunity to taste what it’s like to lose someone I really really love. My grandfather, the late Mr. Chan Seow Wing passed away last Wednesday and my family and I have all lost someone whom we have loved dearly our entire life. I’ve always thought that I’ve felt the deepest pain in life but all the pain and sorrow I’ve gone through before this had never been as deep and as agonizing as the pain of losing my grandfather. September 3, 2008 – this would be a day that I’ll never forget my whole life, not because of it being a sweet memory, but rather, a day that brings tears to my eyes that very morning at 8 a.m. My grandfather left us at 7.23 a.m., in the same hospital where my sis and I were born. The saddest part was that, no one was by his side when he died. That I felt was the greatest regret that I’ll never get over. It’s just so heart-breaking to know that he was all alone. I always wanted him to go in a more…how to say, appropriate way – with family members all by his side, saying our last goodbyes, making sure that he was happy and comfortable before inhaling his last breath.My grandpa was such a nice and kind man and I truly he deserves to go that way. But I guess in life, things just don’t happen the way you want it to happen. I’m just tired of being optimistic.

I will always remember that night. When I got back from the shop, my sis told me of my grandpa’s condition. My mum called from my hometown and said that the doctor says that my grandpa can go home anytime because there were negative signs. The plan was to ferry grandpa home the next morning so that he can at least pass on in his own house – which was his final wish. I was still very optimistic….still believing that it wont happen so soon. I don’t want it to happen so soon! I concentrated in my studies for the exams that night, having full faith that I’ll be able to make it and see my grandpa that weekend after my first paper. A few hours of sleep later, I was awakened with the dreaded news. WHY? I still cannot understand it. Why can’t his death be delayed for at least a few more hours? So that he can at least rest at his own house, like he wanted to. He hasn’t been home since months ago and he can’t even have his last wish granted. Because of cancer, he had suffered so much – the pain of blood transfusion and all that medical procedures that he had gone through at that age – and his last wish can’t even be fulfilled. I HATE REALITY! It’s unfair
This installment is a tribute to my dearest grandfather and it’s about how I’ve always felt about this great man, whom I had and will respect all my life.

My grandpa, I heard from my dad, had not gone through an easy life at all. All his life, he had worked hard for his family, to feed and raise his 5 children. The most touching story I heard was how he only gets to eat the hardened leftover rice after a long at work. He made sure that his family is fed before himself. My grandpa wasn’t wealthy but one thing I know for sure is that he had worked really really hard all his life. He had to be away from his family to earn a living. He drove lorries, taxis, sold noodles during the 1960s racial riot period. I guess he practically had done many other jobs before. The sacrifices that my grandpa had gone through – I can’t imagine me doing that for the family. It takes someone that strong and determined, like my grandpa to endure such hardship.

When my dad and my aunts all grew up, I guess, or rather, hope that grandpa had a better life. They all have their own families and God had blessed grandpa with grandchildren. What can be better news than welcoming a few cute offspring (especially me) into the family? I don’t remember the first time I encounter grandpa, but through pics, he has held me since I was a baby. DUH!! Of course! But as far as I know, we (me and my siblings) were always very close to our grandpa. This is because when our dad started a laundry business, grandpa was always there helping out and so we see grandpa practically everyday when we were young. We would sometimes spend our weekends at our grandparents and grandpa will ferry us to get fried chicken and also buy us lots of goodies. I really missed those days…days that I cannot relive. Days that have now turned into memories, memories that I won’t let fade away from the corners of my mind. I will always remember those breakfasts we had with grandpa, he loves DIM SUM…I will never forget that he always want to bring us to coffee houses – he loves steak; and I will always remember how he always buy us food and he will eat very little so that we can have a bigger share; and how he would give us extra pocket money to buy stuff we like. Grandpa has done so much for us, and not only us, I believe, for all my cousins as well. When my dad decided to shut down the laundry because of his job transfer to KL, my grandpa and grandma moved to KL to take care of my aunt’s set of kids who were then very young. Grandpa ferried them to school, like how he ferried my siblings and I to school last time. Grandpa would then visit us during school holidays. I guess we were very rebellious then. There were times we do not want grandpa to be at our house because that means that we would have to wake up early. The only problem I guess grandpa had with us was our sleeping late haha. But we still love him and we would still go out for breakfast together, we would let him read his newspapers while we play computer games, sometimes we watch TV together. I would give up anything to have him stay at my house like he used to. Soon, grandpa’s health began to deteoriate due to age. Slowly, age it took away all my grandpa’s privilleges. He had a stroke which battered the left side of his body, causing problems with movements; he had to control his food intake – no more steak and lots of pills; I guess that was the turning point of his life. Then he and grandma moved back to Ipoh – partly because grandpa says he doesn’t want to die at someone else’s place and ‘contaminate’ it. Besides I guess it’s more convenient to take care of him in Ipoh. So everything seems fine after grandpa moved back to Ipoh. For a few years, we would visit him when we were back in Ipoh (since we study in KL – we go back fortnightly)…sometimes we would take him out for food, and now, it’s my sis or me behind the wheels unlike last time when grandpa was driving. I guess it also leads me to how sad it is to think that grandpa won’t have a chance to ride on the car my bro drives. My bro is just 17 this year and have not gotten his car license yet. My grandpa has always been anticipating that ride. One day…suddenly, grandpa had a fever. And this fever led to what he is today. That fever drove my grandpa into hospital and whatever virus in his body had developed into blood cancer – leaukemia. It ended there for him.

The thing is I just felt that I’ve never been a good granddaughter at all. Thinking back, what have I done for my grandpa? Just a few visits to the hospital weren’t enough at all. The last time I saw him before his death was a week ago. Sometimes, there are things that I want to do but I just don’t know how to say it and I lack the determination. I hate myself for that. I feel so useless!! I always wanted to treat grandpa with my own-earned money when I work one day. And now I, it just crossed my mind that i’m such an idiot because I didn’t thought of buying my grandpa dinner with my part-time allowance. Maybe I’ve always believe that grandpa will live long enough. I’m such a fool. I’m learning now to realize that you can never be too sure of things in life. I would have never thought that my grandpa would die of cancer. It’s like – why would one fine man of 83 suddenly be strickened with cancer? Call me stupid or naïve but I just can’t accept it, although I have, like I said, learning to. I wished I could have done more for him.

Maybe grandpa leaving is a good thing. It ends his suffering. What I’m worried is what is going to happen to him now? I really hope that he reach the pureland or heaven – whichever place that he loves best. He did not have a chance to go home and fulfil his last wish, and so I pray to God – all the Gods – regardless of whatever religion, though my grandpa is a Buddhist – I pray, I hope that You will take care of my grandpa in his afterlife. Please make sure that he is happy and blessed. Please…he has gone through so much as a human and he had always been so nice and thoughtful to everyone, he deserves something good. THANK YOU SO MUCH

The past few days, we had a funeral and praying ceremony for my grandpa. Everyone was moody and blue. I wonder if that is what grandpa wants but I just can’t help but feel so so so so sad deep inside. I’m still recovering from my soar and bulging eyes due to the crying but I know that no matter how many tears that flow down my eyes, it won’t bring grandpa back. It was definitely difficult going through those few days because I had to restrain from crying because they say that if you cry then grandpa will hesitate to move on to the Pureland with Buddha. Then he would be stuck here. I cried so much that I am beginning to worry that I would be the reason grandpa is stuck here. I really hope he has moved on happily with Buddha. If I know that he is now safe and happy with Buddha in Pureland, I’d be really happy. Buddha, please please go meet my grandfather…

My grandpa overall exemplifies a great man – hardworking, tough, determined, responsible and at the same time, loving, caring, thoughtful and kind. (No offense dad) Grandpa will always be part of my life, even though he is no longer here. Having his picture now in my house just makes me feel closer to him. Things will work out from now I hope. I still need time to get over not having grandpa around. I still need time to dry my tears. As I’m writing this, I had been shedding water from my eyes like a waterdall. I actually woke my sister up and she looked at me as though I’m crazy…crying at 5 a.m. in the morn. But it doesn’t matter….because this is for my grandpa…

“Grandpa, remember to ascend the lotus when you see Buddha. We’re all praying for you. You don’t have to worry about us because we will all take care of ourselves. You have to do this for yourself. Chant the Amitabha and move on. You can see us from up there. You have to take care of yourself and remember we will always LOVE YOU! FOREVER! Take care. Remember to go with Buddha. Amitabha.”

Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha…

In loving memory of grandpa, my ‘yeh yeh’

With lots of love,
Tammy – Mun Mun “your granddaughter”

With Lots of Love & Hugs & Kisses & Chris Richardson's scent from BabyT ;