28-Feb-09

I met up with an old friend today - Kerry. I barely him in primary school even though we've been classmates since standard 4. I just remembered him as my competitor in class, the one to defeat in studies. I remembered him as the blur genius, the guy who was always skipping class but brilliant. He is the couldn't-care-less about what's going on around him but still excel in class. He's slowness and blurness were what me and all my friends laughed about last time. 

I guess sometimes the memory you have of a person makes you expect that person to be the same again. It's like you wish that that person was the same person you knew 10 years ago so that you can really relive that time.

But the thing is, some people change and Kerry of all old friend that i met, has changed the most. Even me, i guess, has changed a lot from what he expected me to be. I think he still thought i am that soft-spoken, quiet, shy little innocent girl that i used to be. I guess he was shocked that i am that noisy and expressive. 

For me, suddenly Kerry is that super-duper religious guy, who is so zealous about Christianity. He is also now super-duper responsible and polite. It makes me look bad haha.

I admire his enthusiasm but i just feel that he oversold his beliefs in Jesus and he scares me a bit haha. Today's meeting with him brought me to his church and meeting his friends in church. Of course a lot of the conversation were on Christianity and Jesus. He and his other friend Kah Lok were discussing with me stuff about Jesus and Christianity.

I have nothing against Christianity or in fact, any religion. It's even something that i'm very interested in finding out just for the sake of knowing extra stuff. However, for the time being, I am not planning to accept Christ and believe so whole heartedly. I'm not there yet. I'm in the process and I want to take it slow and discover myself because if it's you yourself who experience it and find out, you'll treasure it more.

I know my friends and family who share with me their God cares about me, and i appreciate that, but i just wish that they don't over do it that it pressures me. I am really useless because i really don't know how to respond.

I have my own set of beliefs about God and religion. I have nothing against all good religion as long as i know that that religion preaches kindness and goodness. I would say, i believe in a combination of all religions.

I guess that is where we differ. They have found Jesus and felt that it is the right path, the truth. I believe in some of Buddha's teachings. See, i say some. Because I don't agree with all of Buddha's teachings. And I'm not afraid to say that and I know that they won't be consequences, I won't go to hell.

Because Buddhism, I believe, is a teaching, a subject. For example, Science or History. If you don't believe in some theory of Science, you don't go to hell right?

And what i agree with Buddhism is Buddha doesn't want us to attach ourselves to him. We don't have to label ourselves as 'Buddhist', even though in Malaysia we have to lar. This is because, we can call ourselves Buddhist but not practice buddhism. Like you can call yourself Muslims, but if you don't fast during Ramadhan or pray, then what are you? Still a Muslim?? It's just a label.

Buddhism say belief and accept anything that is good, righteous. My friends say, "So what is good then? Buddha doesn't tell you. Buddha talks about achieving 'Nirvana', and then tells you it is impossible cuz there are too many rules to follow." 

For me, that's when Wisdom comes in. "Wisdom" is another teaching of Buddhism. "Wisdom" surpasses intelligence. For me, I feel there's no such things as right and wrong don't you think? There's such a fine line. How to define? Although sometimes, black and white, right or wrong is easy to define by consensus, but there are things whereby it's so hard to say due to the circumstances. 

For example, I stole from this really rich guy. Am i wrong? But then I stole because I don't have the money to buy food for my starving 9 siblings. And that rich guy, he doesn't help the poor and the amount i stole might not even have an impact in his life but have a huge impact on mine. Maybe my actions are not wrong. Not right, but not wrong either I'd say.

So, we use our wisdom to judge the situation. That's what i believe. If i have to make an equation:

WISDOM = COMPASSION (LOVE) + SITUATION (REASON) + INTELLIGENCE + JUSTIFICATION

So if your wisdom tells you tat believing Jesus is right, then, go for it...believe in Jesus and God and Christianity. My thinking is....if you have wisdom, you'll know that Christianity is the right choice because of the teachings so you believe and have faith and be a good role model. How do you know Christianity is good? - WISDOM. It links. Like i say, i feel that Buddhism is more like a subject. You can learn Buddhist values but still be a Christian. There might be things that contradicts in the two religions or teachings, but once again, it all boils down to WISDOM. 

I agree with my dad when he says, you really don't have to over-preach some things. Just be good, practice what you believe in and the world shall judge. If you present yourself well and people will know, they'll be impressed and would then try to learn from you. Indirectly you influence people. 

To be honest, i might not have delved enough in Buddhism and the teachings but from what i've heard and understand from it, I agree. 

Buddha is not a God but I do believe in Gods and heaven. I believe that there's someone out there looking out for me in every way. I just don't know who haha. But i also believe in Karma. And Jesus, I don't believe in yet. Like I say, i'd take my time to find out for myself who to believe or what to believe. 

I mean, i can say for sure after today's meeting, i found out that we are completely two very very very very different people with very few things in common. The things that i enjoy and like, he doesn't get. But overall, he is still a very nice chap. And i did like how we reminisce the past, our school friends and all. 

But I did enjoyed the outing with him. I met a lot of his friends, who are UM grads whom i really love hanging out with. We had dinner at his friend's hostel, in which his friend, Hew Ling, cooked for us. She is definitely a good cook and i can see that she and her friends spent a lot of time on the presentation of the food itself. It was beautiful. I met some other girls which i absolutely enjoyed talking to. The one that i like the most that night was Wai Sam. She's so so sweet and there's just this elegance about her that captures me. But I'm straight okay!  It's just that i feel that chemistry when i talked to her. Usually, I know the kinda people I could really hang out with. It's like the moment you see them or greet them, there's this connection. I've felt like this with YY, Huey Ning and Yean Fun, even Ah Chin and all of them are my bestest buddies. 

Wai Sam is like those really nice, motherly friend that you know would make a good wife. I told Kerry that she's the kinda girl I really like but wouldn't become. And I truly think that that kinda girl would be the perfect match for him haha....

Well after all that's said today, I just want to share my point of view and do not wish to offend anyone. I just feel that i don't get a chance to say what i really think about the whole day and this is a way that i feel that i can let go haha....Throughout today, i just feel that i have to really 'jaga' my words and my attitude. I am myself but not completely myself. Icannot swear or say bad words (or blurt out lame and dirty jokes) in front of them cuz they are like so holy haha....and i'm just so ...the opposite haha...

Being with Kerry and his church buddies and all the students from UM makes me think of my own college buddies and how i missed college so much. I saw his girl friends together in hostel, cooking together, chatting and I thought about YY, Lydia and me in the hostel. Doing what we do best, crapping and hanging out in mamak. I went out today trying to reminisce my childhood years and i end up reminiscing also my 4 years of college life and my affectionate college friends that i've grown to love. 

I guess my coursemates have all made me the crazy person i am today and secretly, i couldn't think of any other people whom i'd love to have spend my college years with. They are the best and most enjoyable bunch of people i've ever known. Of course there are times of disagreement with all of them but overall, i think i can always be myself when i'm with them.

So, no matter how disgusting this might sound haha....I love you guys, ABC 2 ;P

Wat i'm doing now? Well calling YY on the phone...we have loads to catch up on

tammy c the awesomist...