4th February 2009 

I guess this is where i truly belong. On my bed, with a pen in my hand, and with my beloved bolster wrapped around my arms, keeping me safe and warm.

This is the place where i feel accepted and i don't have to hide my feelings at all. My bolster knows me best, everything about me and i don't have to say a thing to it. It just knows. It knows my secrets, my feelings, my weaknesses and it accepts me for who i am. I've cried on it, wet it with my tears; i've laughed with it, through happy days and it was even there sometimes when i'm in fear. Every night i go to bed, there it is...to keep me company and making me happy. THe sight of it, the companionship, helps me get through many things.

I'm really sad now and i have it with me as i'm writing this.

This year started very negative for me. I know. It's the Chinese New Year and Iguess you'd expect me to be bragging about how great my new year celebration was with my family, since it's the first year all of us moved to KL and is actually celebrating the Chinese New Year in KL.

The truth is, no matter how hard i tried to act happy and keep moving on, i won't be because i've been really really really really really sad. Yes, i looked super-dooper happy during reunion dinners, house visits, etc. Well who would know how i really feel. I just feel that just because i have a smile on my face people take me and my feelings for granted.

I've been very moody inside for almost 2 weeks. I have issues with my mum, which i can never share with my parents or siblings because they wont get it. With my mum, it's like i'm never good enough. She's always comparing me with other people - her friend's daughter, my sister. I am the one who has to compliment myself, to enhance my self-confidence. Seriously, i'm sick of having to pull myself up because seriously, i don't feel i'm worth anything anymore, at least when i'm at home.  

if she keeps comparing me with others, i just feel like she doesn't like me for me. it's like she doesnt like me to be jolly, hyper and loud. She wants me to be mature. Honestly, our definition for 'maturity' is poles apart. I don't know. i think i'm matured in some ways. it's just tat i prefer to have fun and act 'younger' than my age. What, i just like to take things more lightly, laugh more, make silly and lame jokes (which she will never get) and sometimes make a fool of myself in front of my friends. So what? And she starts pressuring me because she feels tat my 'immaturity' is the reason that i'm still single while her friends' daughters were now all 'not-available' because, well, of their maturity.

Why do i not like to hang out at home sometimes? I might prefer hanging out with frenz instead. Well sadly, i just feel more accepted sometimes when i'm with them. At home, i feel like a useless nobody. Nobody respects my opinions anyway.

i can always suggest something but no one would trust my judgments. They sometimes would regrad it as stupid - especially my sis. My mum, well, she'll just have to get confirmation with someone else regarding the things i say. it's like she never trust or believe me. If so, why even bother asking me stuff in the first place? Seriously, i'll admit that most of the times, i just never feel like helping or giving my opinions whole-heartedly becuase i know, my sister's opinions is gonna be better anyway. What i say won't be any good anyway...And even when i've given my bestest, it's never good enough, maybe because i'm nvr ever good enough.

I might as well help with things which i'm more confident with and good at so that i dun hv to be crushed by negative comments that would ruin my day. I might as well help people who would appreciate me for who i am, like some of my close friends. 

I hate to sound ungrateful, because i know i have a great family and all, but sometimes, maybe i juz need a break. When i'm with them, i feel so so insecure. With my friends, we're all equal. We laugh together, we have fun....do crazy and silly stuff together. With my family, i look like an idiot - nobody. I'm so sick and tired of having to compete to be somebody. I can't be me. it's not good enough.

Like I lost my way - and i'm a screw-up. When i found the way out, I waste petrol etc. My sis lost her way - she's cool, calm and collected, she can solve and find a way out.  

I know i'm not perfect and i screw up many times in life. But i'll still be nice to screw up and not have people then classify you as useless. My friends, i mean a few close ones, i can just do stupid things and screw up in front of them. THey'll tell me off but still, it's like, i can still be trusted with things, and accepted for the things that i'm able to do and contribute. At least i feel a sense of belonging. Even though sometimes my friends also disregard the stuff i say, it's like i can still run to a few different other friends. 

At home, i can't feel that. My bro is close to my sis, they have their topics. Mum is with dad, vice versa. I'm in the middle. what am i? I'm just someone who stupidly smiles and laugh everyday trying to see things on the bright side. it helps me through some days but there are also days that i will break and fall. It really hurts and it's like, there's not even anyone that i can talk to. THat's when i feel that my friends are the ones that i can go to. At least there, i'm not left out and we have the same topic of interests. We would talk abt movies and music and our college life. At home, NOBODY CARES ABT WHAT I LIKE.

I'm always so stupid and tell them everything, but i'm just beginning to think, why must i even hv to be honest with them? THey might not be even interested in the things i have to say, but just interested in what they want to hear. 

It's been 2 weeks, i've this 'useless' feeling. On the surface, i'm fine but inside, i just don't know how to describe my feelings. I'm not blaming my family because for all i know, i could be the one at fault. I constantly think, what did i do wrong in my family? It just makes me feel even more wrong, pathetic and useless when thinking about this.

"You're tied together with a smile, but i'm becoming undone" - Taylor Swift 

~That is exactly how i feel~

When I need a place to hide, 

I go to a place with God by my side,

The only place where i feel loved,

High, high, high up above.

When i need a place to cry,

I look no further than up high,

I try to believe that He's everywhere,

And that He'll always be there.

But sometimes,

I can't help but feel so wrong,

How can i keep going on?

I guess that i should have known,

That it's hard to be strong,

Especially when you feel that you don't belong.

I wanna run to someone,

But it seems like there's no one,

It's tough to be here now,

I guess I can't give up somehow,

If only one could understand,

Come up to me and hold my hand,

Tell me that it's gonna be fine.

But who am I kidding right,

There won't be anyone like this is this world,

You have to fight for yourself, girl,

And try to be whoever you want to be...

~and just like any other day, i'm moving on and hoping for a better tomoro. Like "Chicken Little" says in "Chicken Little" - "Tomoro is a new day". And hopefully, a brighter one ~

Looking forward to seeing you guys....;P 

p/s: i'm not complaining...i thank God for my family and friends. but i juz need to express my sorrow and pain these few days. I guess, after all that i've said and done, i can still say tat i hv a great family.........they are great people.....