Monday, September 22, 2008
7th September 2008
Do you know what it’s like losing someone so special and dear to you? I had no idea how it’s really going to feel like before this. Last time, all I could do is picture the grief and I never knew the reality of it. Well, on September the 3rd, I finally had the unfortunate opportunity to taste what it’s like to lose someone I really really love. My grandfather, the late Mr. Chan Seow Wing passed away last Wednesday and my family and I have all lost someone whom we have loved dearly our entire life. I’ve always thought that I’ve felt the deepest pain in life but all the pain and sorrow I’ve gone through before this had never been as deep and as agonizing as the pain of losing my grandfather. September 3, 2008 – this would be a day that I’ll never forget my whole life, not because of it being a sweet memory, but rather, a day that brings tears to my eyes that very morning at 8 a.m. My grandfather left us at 7.23 a.m., in the same hospital where my sis and I were born. The saddest part was that, no one was by his side when he died. That I felt was the greatest regret that I’ll never get over. It’s just so heart-breaking to know that he was all alone. I always wanted him to go in a more…how to say, appropriate way – with family members all by his side, saying our last goodbyes, making sure that he was happy and comfortable before inhaling his last breath.My grandpa was such a nice and kind man and I truly he deserves to go that way. But I guess in life, things just don’t happen the way you want it to happen. I’m just tired of being optimistic.
I will always remember that night. When I got back from the shop, my sis told me of my grandpa’s condition. My mum called from my hometown and said that the doctor says that my grandpa can go home anytime because there were negative signs. The plan was to ferry grandpa home the next morning so that he can at least pass on in his own house – which was his final wish. I was still very optimistic….still believing that it wont happen so soon. I don’t want it to happen so soon! I concentrated in my studies for the exams that night, having full faith that I’ll be able to make it and see my grandpa that weekend after my first paper. A few hours of sleep later, I was awakened with the dreaded news. WHY? I still cannot understand it. Why can’t his death be delayed for at least a few more hours? So that he can at least rest at his own house, like he wanted to. He hasn’t been home since months ago and he can’t even have his last wish granted. Because of cancer, he had suffered so much – the pain of blood transfusion and all that medical procedures that he had gone through at that age – and his last wish can’t even be fulfilled. I HATE REALITY! It’s unfair
This installment is a tribute to my dearest grandfather and it’s about how I’ve always felt about this great man, whom I had and will respect all my life.
My grandpa, I heard from my dad, had not gone through an easy life at all. All his life, he had worked hard for his family, to feed and raise his 5 children. The most touching story I heard was how he only gets to eat the hardened leftover rice after a long at work. He made sure that his family is fed before himself. My grandpa wasn’t wealthy but one thing I know for sure is that he had worked really really hard all his life. He had to be away from his family to earn a living. He drove lorries, taxis, sold noodles during the 1960s racial riot period. I guess he practically had done many other jobs before. The sacrifices that my grandpa had gone through – I can’t imagine me doing that for the family. It takes someone that strong and determined, like my grandpa to endure such hardship.
When my dad and my aunts all grew up, I guess, or rather, hope that grandpa had a better life. They all have their own families and God had blessed grandpa with grandchildren. What can be better news than welcoming a few cute offspring (especially me) into the family? I don’t remember the first time I encounter grandpa, but through pics, he has held me since I was a baby. DUH!! Of course! But as far as I know, we (me and my siblings) were always very close to our grandpa. This is because when our dad started a laundry business, grandpa was always there helping out and so we see grandpa practically everyday when we were young. We would sometimes spend our weekends at our grandparents and grandpa will ferry us to get fried chicken and also buy us lots of goodies. I really missed those days…days that I cannot relive. Days that have now turned into memories, memories that I won’t let fade away from the corners of my mind. I will always remember those breakfasts we had with grandpa, he loves DIM SUM…I will never forget that he always want to bring us to coffee houses – he loves steak; and I will always remember how he always buy us food and he will eat very little so that we can have a bigger share; and how he would give us extra pocket money to buy stuff we like. Grandpa has done so much for us, and not only us, I believe, for all my cousins as well. When my dad decided to shut down the laundry because of his job transfer to KL, my grandpa and grandma moved to KL to take care of my aunt’s set of kids who were then very young. Grandpa ferried them to school, like how he ferried my siblings and I to school last time. Grandpa would then visit us during school holidays. I guess we were very rebellious then. There were times we do not want grandpa to be at our house because that means that we would have to wake up early. The only problem I guess grandpa had with us was our sleeping late haha. But we still love him and we would still go out for breakfast together, we would let him read his newspapers while we play computer games, sometimes we watch TV together. I would give up anything to have him stay at my house like he used to. Soon, grandpa’s health began to deteoriate due to age. Slowly, age it took away all my grandpa’s privilleges. He had a stroke which battered the left side of his body, causing problems with movements; he had to control his food intake – no more steak and lots of pills; I guess that was the turning point of his life. Then he and grandma moved back to Ipoh – partly because grandpa says he doesn’t want to die at someone else’s place and ‘contaminate’ it. Besides I guess it’s more convenient to take care of him in Ipoh. So everything seems fine after grandpa moved back to Ipoh. For a few years, we would visit him when we were back in Ipoh (since we study in KL – we go back fortnightly)…sometimes we would take him out for food, and now, it’s my sis or me behind the wheels unlike last time when grandpa was driving. I guess it also leads me to how sad it is to think that grandpa won’t have a chance to ride on the car my bro drives. My bro is just 17 this year and have not gotten his car license yet. My grandpa has always been anticipating that ride. One day…suddenly, grandpa had a fever. And this fever led to what he is today. That fever drove my grandpa into hospital and whatever virus in his body had developed into blood cancer – leaukemia. It ended there for him.
The thing is I just felt that I’ve never been a good granddaughter at all. Thinking back, what have I done for my grandpa? Just a few visits to the hospital weren’t enough at all. The last time I saw him before his death was a week ago. Sometimes, there are things that I want to do but I just don’t know how to say it and I lack the determination. I hate myself for that. I feel so useless!! I always wanted to treat grandpa with my own-earned money when I work one day. And now I, it just crossed my mind that i’m such an idiot because I didn’t thought of buying my grandpa dinner with my part-time allowance. Maybe I’ve always believe that grandpa will live long enough. I’m such a fool. I’m learning now to realize that you can never be too sure of things in life. I would have never thought that my grandpa would die of cancer. It’s like – why would one fine man of 83 suddenly be strickened with cancer? Call me stupid or naïve but I just can’t accept it, although I have, like I said, learning to. I wished I could have done more for him.
Maybe grandpa leaving is a good thing. It ends his suffering. What I’m worried is what is going to happen to him now? I really hope that he reach the pureland or heaven – whichever place that he loves best. He did not have a chance to go home and fulfil his last wish, and so I pray to God – all the Gods – regardless of whatever religion, though my grandpa is a Buddhist – I pray, I hope that You will take care of my grandpa in his afterlife. Please make sure that he is happy and blessed. Please…he has gone through so much as a human and he had always been so nice and thoughtful to everyone, he deserves something good. THANK YOU SO MUCH
The past few days, we had a funeral and praying ceremony for my grandpa. Everyone was moody and blue. I wonder if that is what grandpa wants but I just can’t help but feel so so so so sad deep inside. I’m still recovering from my soar and bulging eyes due to the crying but I know that no matter how many tears that flow down my eyes, it won’t bring grandpa back. It was definitely difficult going through those few days because I had to restrain from crying because they say that if you cry then grandpa will hesitate to move on to the Pureland with Buddha. Then he would be stuck here. I cried so much that I am beginning to worry that I would be the reason grandpa is stuck here. I really hope he has moved on happily with Buddha. If I know that he is now safe and happy with Buddha in Pureland, I’d be really happy. Buddha, please please go meet my grandfather…
My grandpa overall exemplifies a great man – hardworking, tough, determined, responsible and at the same time, loving, caring, thoughtful and kind. (No offense dad) Grandpa will always be part of my life, even though he is no longer here. Having his picture now in my house just makes me feel closer to him. Things will work out from now I hope. I still need time to get over not having grandpa around. I still need time to dry my tears. As I’m writing this, I had been shedding water from my eyes like a waterdall. I actually woke my sister up and she looked at me as though I’m crazy…crying at 5 a.m. in the morn. But it doesn’t matter….because this is for my grandpa…
“Grandpa, remember to ascend the lotus when you see Buddha. We’re all praying for you. You don’t have to worry about us because we will all take care of ourselves. You have to do this for yourself. Chant the Amitabha and move on. You can see us from up there. You have to take care of yourself and remember we will always LOVE YOU! FOREVER! Take care. Remember to go with Buddha. Amitabha.”
Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha, Namo Amitabha…
In loving memory of grandpa, my ‘yeh yeh’
With lots of love,
Tammy – Mun Mun “your granddaughter”
With Lots of Love & Hugs & Kisses & Chris Richardson's scent from BabyT ;
