Thursday, January 10, 2008
9th January 2008
Instead of thinking that life sucks, i really tried to think positive at times. I mean, though yesterday was a quite a terrible day for me, i tried to focus on the beautiful stars that decorated the skies instead, i truly believe that things would get better for me, but it just dawn on me now that, maybe it would be worst.
The past few weeks had been the worst weeks of my life. I’ve never felt so down and alone in my entire life. Yes, i do have some close friends next to me, but still insecurity problems is haunting me and effecting me emotionally. I find that a lot of people don’t understand me, except my best friends. And sadly, not even my family really knows what’s behind this short, small-eyed, long haired girl. I have to deal with so much pressure and sometimes, my mum isn’t so supportive.
I mean, she’s a great mum most of the time, but she has never been supportive of me being a broadcast student. Personally, i feel that you excel in something you love and i really love what i am studying and doing now. Mum on the other hand just seem to think that there’s no future in broadcast. It’s like, she keep telling me, when we are on the topic of my studies tat advertising is the better option or marketing is better etc. Seriously, i like advertising and marketing too, and they are all part of broadcasting. In my course, we have to produce product advertisements, we do Public Service Announcements, we have to market our clients products...it’s all inter-related. Explaining to her is also a complete waste of time. Like today, she even say that i don’t fit in the course because i am not sociable enough. I can imagine that. I mean, first of all, you guys sort of controls my every movement and ban me from ‘socializing’. It’s like sometimes, i can’t even hang out at mamak stalls at nite around 8 or 9. I know it’s dangerous, but i have already consider the factors and make safety precautions. It’s not that i don’t appreciate her caring for my safety, but i do know how to judge for myself. I am too afraid of my own safety. That’s y i do too say no to late midnite mamak stall hanging out. (Though i did it once or twice.) I think parents just are overprotective sometimes. Maybe someday i’ll be like tat too, but now i really can’t stand it.
Besides, i wouldn’t say that i’m not a sociable person. I’m one of the most talkative girls in class (if that is considered sociable), ranked 3rd or 4th after my bestest buddies, and black-listed in my class rep’s “List-of-the-Most-talkative-people-in-class-tat-you-have-to-watch-out-for-when-annoucements-are-being-made”. It’s funny because everytime my class rep is making an announcement, i happened to be talking, but then that’s a completely different story. But then, i still think i don’t fit into the list because my best friend is the noisy one who dragged me into that stupid list. But we should be proud of our achievements la. And now, i think i’m also recognized as the most aggressive girl (or B****) in class who would argue (or in my own opinion, stand by) all the way to get my own point across. For me, i gradually changed into someone who wouldn’t give up my point until i have given my all in defending myself. Yes, i know that’s not good and people thinks that i just want to win all the time. IT IS NOT TRUE! I stand by my own point of views but that doesnt mean i’m not acceptant of other’s ideas. I just agree with Condolezza Rice that “There’s nothing wrong in holding an opinion, and holding it passionately”. I would go all the way to defend what i feel and thing because i don’t wanna regret not saying my views. Even with my lecturers, i am that way. I believe that some lecturers like that, but i sure hope that so far i have not get on their nerves yet. I mean, it’s not like i snap at people, i debate as diplomatically as possible. Haha. Though i debate my ideas, it doesnt mean that i’m against taht person rite? Some people don’t see that. My best friends know that and we work well together. Though sometimes when i go over the line, they will tell me. But other classmates, though we are friends, have that negative impression of me when it comes to this. I feel so misunderstood by others. I really don’t know whether or not i should change and become that timid little girl i used to be in high school.
In class, people only the smiling and happy mun yi, who’s naive and childish. Mun yi, who only studies. Mun Yi, who only does assignments. Mun yi – the goody-two-shoes. And mun yi, who talks a lot at times. (or mun yi the girl-who-wants to win!) If only people could see that mun yi is only an ordinary girl, who is sometimes lost and insecure. I don’t feel good about myself too. Like sometimes, you don’t feel accepted, you don’t feel pretty (though i always tell people that i am ;P)...the actual truth is, i do have my down times. I feel sad too but no one knows. But i still thank God that i still have a few best friends supporting me.
And it pressures me that when i have fun, my parents will be like monitoring my results. I mean, i know tat my results are important, but suddenly, when i think back, all my life has been about studies. My friends’ lives are full of colors and stuff and when people wanna ask abt me...everything would be abt studies. How did you get the results u get? How do u study? My other friends have so much more interesting and funnny stories like how they cheated in primary, how they sneak out, how they embarrassed themselves in front of their teachers...i’m not saying that cheating and skipping school is great, but to have these stories and experience behind you really makes your life more interesting, n not dull like mine. I just suddenly feel that, if today is my last day on Earth, i really don’t wanna spend it studying. I wanna spend it happily with my friends and family. If i study whenever i get a chance, then it would be like, my last day would be definitely spent with notes or thick text books. Of course during exam season, you cannot say that because i don’t wanna spend my last day regretting not getting good results either.
There’s the pressure to maintain my results this semester. I’ve played too much, chat too much and hang out too much and my parents noticed that too. Then there is also pressure to get a good company for industrial training, since my sis (who always look down on me) n mum n maybe dad(i don’t know) are looking down on me. My sis always thinks she is that great and superb. She said that i’m too selective of company. She knows nothing but talks so much when she don’t need to. When it’s necessary to use to talking ability, she never use it. I told my lecturer that i am not interested to join an animation company though i wanna produce children programs because i am not interested in animation for now (which is the truth) Besides, i know nuts abt graphic softwares and 3D animation.,.and personally i wanna experience what it’s like being in a production house first be4 venturing into something else. Is that being choosy? Well if you say so, then yes. I still stand by what i feel, for now. Oh n she say that i should reflect on the Bernama interview. Hello? Of course i did! I admit that i screw up the part when i dont know my fave newspaper, but then i did not regret telling the truth that i prefer to cover stories on celebrities and music because that is my passion. If she is so smart and good at reflecting past mistakes, maybe she should reflect on the time she knocked into a Saga tat day in Jusco when reversing, instead of blaming people for parking behind her. Cuz as far as i’m concerned, i managed to back the car after she bang into ppl’s car twice. I just did not want to embarrass her in front of my other cousins, but i do feel that she is partly responsible for the accident. Of course dun ask abt the saga, haha. It’s wrecked and we all fled. Sorry
Sometimes, staying with her is like staying with nobody. You ask her “How’s school today?” and you get air....NO REPLY! It’s like, i know it’s her right to keep quiet but i find that darn rude too. Now you know why i hv to hang out with my friends? I will die of boredom if i face her 24 hours.
I’ve never thought that i would actually face so many problems. Though at the end of the day, i try to treat them as challenges, i really don’t know how much longer i can go through this S***! Seriously, i am about to burst out someday...i dunno how. But i know, i won’t kill myself, that’s for sure. Besides, i hope things will turn out well now, since i’ve got an interview on Monday for a production house and Jason Lo’s company has received my resume. Anywayz...that’s all for now. I stil have to go hit the books.
Wish me luck for my exams & interview!!
~Love Tammy ...the not so great~
With Lots of Love & Hugs & Kisses & Chris Richardson's scent from BabyT ;
